


middle years

by daykid



Series: jetsam (wonboo) [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Boo Seungkwan-centric, Falling In Love, Growing Up, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Infidelity, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 15:42:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28887795
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daykid/pseuds/daykid
Summary: Boo Seungkwan knows exactly what love looks like.
Relationships: Boo Seungkwan/Jeon Wonwoo, Boo Seungkwan/Kim Mingyu
Series: jetsam (wonboo) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2118513
Comments: 10
Kudos: 30





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> prequel.... kinda a little bit of backstory..? I have more on this universe I promise I just need to get my mind organized. this fic takes place during seungkwan's life from age 7-21, then there's a fic for his mid 20's Im working on, controlled burns takes place around his late 20's and that's all i have planned for now! it'll all make sense eventually I promise
> 
> note: a lot of the lines in brackets are borrowed from a softer world! the premise of the story is from sarah kay's "when love arrives"
> 
> unbeta-d as always someone help me out here

_seven_

Boo Seungkwan knows love.

Well, he hasn't met love yet, but he’s sure he’ll be able to recognize her the moment she walks into the room. Love has dark, wavy hair, a killer smile and a good ear. She likes the food Seungkwan’s dad makes and she’s punctual to all their family outings (because the Boo family loves a good get together.)

He knows she’s out there. He’s just not searching in the right classrooms or looking hard enough between aisles at the mall.

Seungkwan is wrong, though.

When love first shows up, he’s bodied by it. We would call the human equivalent of a fired bullet sends him flying to the soccer field turf. He hits the ground and he hits it hard, crying.

But love reaches out a hand to him and tells him he’s going to be okay. Love has light brown hair and a crooked smile, and his name was Seokmin.

Seokmin is a year older but still has all the youthful charm of kids in Seungkwan’s grade, which is to say he’s immature. He can’t sit still long enough to listen to any of Seungkwan’s complaints about how much he wants to get a dog or how much his sisters are annoying him, but Seungkwan loves him all the same. He doesn’t care that Seokmin doesn’t have raven black hair or cheeky charisma. The only issue is that Seokmin is a boy.

Maybe he does love him, but it must be like a brother or something. That made more sense.

Besides, Seungkwan could never kiss Seokmin, his braces would probably get in the way.

Yeah, that was a good excuse.

Love grows up, though, loses the braces. As they get older, Seungkwan finds less reasons to tuck away his shuddering heart. He’s been holding it in for so long that letting it out now feels wrong. But Seokmin is amazing, simply put. He’s talented, handsome, and (thanks to the art of dentistry) has that killer smile Seungkwan always dreamed of. All the girls at their school love him and Seungkwan watches them love him, wondering if he looks the same way.

_ten_

Love leaves, eventually, and Seungkwan barely notices it. He loses it like baby teeth, not knowing it wasn’t supposed to be permanent in the first place. Panic is his first response. He doesn’t have the experience yet to know that a stronger love will grow in its place, one that makes sense.

He doesn’t understand why it hurts so much, because Seokmin is still there. Just love isn’t. Maybe it expired, or something.

What a terrible thought.

(I used to get mad at you because you’d fallen in love with someone else. But you look happier, I didn’t even know you were sad.)

_thirteen_

They say the average kid starts planning their wedding at ten, but Seungkwan got a head start. He had plans alright, big ones. He knows the flowers by eight and the colour scheme by nine. He has his best man at twelve and can already hear the church bells ringing by the time he walks into a high school classroom for the first time.

All he needed was love.

After a few long years, it came back to him, but he couldn’t recognize it. Love has a small and delicate body that Seungkwan was too afraid to touch for fear of breaking. Love had dark hair but it flowed over her shoulders like water spilling from a cup. Love was all the things that Seungkwan imagined her to be, but it still wasn’t right.

She asks Seungkwan to hold her hand while they walk home. He doesn’t even live in her area but she said she had something important to ask him.

He knows how these things go, how they should go, so when he asks him to be her boyfriend he says yes like he means it. And he hopes to god that he means it.

He tries to adjust his sleep schedules to match hers. He tries to memorize freckles on her body in places he never imagined that love would have freckles. He reads all of her favourite books and listens to the songs that she likes because he wants her to love him.

Except some of those freckles were actually scars from falling on playgrounds, or soccer fields. Pastures he’s never been on melt away from her skin and he can’t recognize the smell. Her favourite books were recommended to her from someone else, her songs remind her of someone else.

But Seungkwan’s favourite songs did too. So he can’t get angry at her for that.

For example, Seungkwan hears Beyonce’s “Mine” on the radio and feels bitter about his first love who posts pictures of himself loving other boys on instagram when it should’ve been him—

He doesn’t know why he’s jealous. Love is right in front of him and she’s perfect and anything before or after shouldn’t matter.

Seungkwan says this to himself when he holds her tight but keeps one lesson in the back of his mind.

He could’ve loved Seokmin and it could’ve been right. But love can’t always stay, and it definitely can’t wait around for Seungkwan to realize that. Some things were better observed in the aftermath.

So, he lets love bake him cookies that he won’t eat because he wants to look good in all the pictures she takes of them and he lets her promise futures to him. He needs it to feel right so he imagines himself in the photos, imagines the wedding and the music.

But she doesn’t like the same flowers as him. She doesn’t like the same songs. She chews with her mouth open sometimes and is a little messy. Well, Seungkwan doesn’t like the books she reads. Sometimes he talks a bit loud and always forgets to bring his toothpaste to her house. So he can’t get mad at her for that.

He can’t get mad when she leaves. It’s painful like a root canal because while he could not love her the way he needed to, the way she wanted him to, he tried.

And the only he can do is try again.

(There’s a new life off the island. You just need to take that swim. Tell my dad I’ll miss him.)

_fifteen_

Wonwoo has dark hair, eyes cut like a blade and a humour so dry that sometimes it’s hard for Seungkwan to lubricate the air between them with compliments.

They take art together, Mrs. Keery’s ninth grade class, section a. Wonwoo sits in the chair next to the window where an array of stained glass trinkets hang. From what Seungkwan knows, which is to say what he hears from others, is that Wonwoo is really, really boring.

Seungkwan doesn’t really like boring people. He gets that whole “opposites attract” thing but that could never be him. He needs someone who can catch up with him, because he’s always running.

_fifteen_

Seungkwan’s wrapped around Mingyu’s finger. It’s just so easy to like him. He wouldn’t call it love at first sight because he doesn’t believe in that shit, but it’s a lot like it. Over a scraped knee from the clumsy hunk of muscle and bones that is Kim Mingyu, Seungkwan finds himself falling in love with him more every day.

Whenever he feels a little strange, Mingyu knows what to say. They’re best friends. Then they’re boyfriends. They fall together like two puzzle pieces. And it’s so, so easy.

They’re laying on a couch, without a care for anything, passing the time.

Seungkwan shifts around, looking at the walls of Mingyu’s cozy family home.

“Hey,” he whispers, pointing at a picture of Mingyu from when he was young, “who’s this? Standing next to you?”

“Ah, that’s Wonwoo,” Mingyu replies, “I think you guys took a class together.”

“Really?” Seungkwan replies.

 _How are you guys friends_ , Seungkwan means to ask. _How could you ever?_

“Yeah, we’re childhood friends. He lives right next door, actually.”

“He’s really interesting,” Mingyu goes on, “smart. And funny when he wants to be. You guys might get along well.”

Seungkwan doesn’t care about being friends with anyone else. He kisses Mingyu on the lips. Nothing matters more to him than this.

He wants it to stay this way forever.

_sixteen_

Mingyu might be love.

Seungkwan hasn’t thought about it in a long time, but he can entertain the idea.

He thinks about other things too. Things he wants to do with Mingyu. Things he wants to do to him.

He lets himself become a part of Mingyu’s life. Seungkwan is punctual to all of Mingyu’s family dinners and he stays the night often. He even becomes friends with his friends, even Wonwoo, who sometimes joins their sleepovers.

Seungkwan can’t really remember why he never tried to be friends with him in the first place, but if he can’t remember then it probably doesn’t matter.

When Mingyu’s busy, Wonwoo ends up taking up Seungkwan’s empty hours. They’re good friends, actually. Wonwoo really is interesting, like how Mingyu said. He learns to laugh at his humour, and he laughs hard. He isn’t going to tell him that he’s funny though, because that title belongs to Seungkwan only, but he knows it in his heart.

“Why do you like taking pictures so much?” Seungkwan asks him one day, in art class. Mrs. Keery had gone and retired, now they’re being taught by some new guy who says all of Seungkwan’s paintings are “interesting” as if he expects anything less from someone so interesting themselves. Wonwoo still sits by the window.

He doesn’t even look surprised that Seungkwan’s talking to him. He says, “I like to save my memories.”

“I like to live in the moment,” Seungkwan says. “It’s right in front of you, you know.”

“I know,” is Wonwoo’s reply. “But the people I love aren’t here to live this moment with me.”

“What would you do, if they were here?”

Wonwoo grins, sharp. Killer, like a knife.

“I’d take a picture.”

(People like me because I make them feel good. When I make them feel good I feel good about myself, for a bit. Does that make me a good person? Take that, Mother Teresa.)

_sixteen_

“Do you wanna go to the dance with me?”

“Yes,” Seungkwan says, “yes, of course, yes.”

_sixteen_

Mingyu is clumsy but a good dancer, somehow. He makes it work.

_sixteen_

“I love you,” Seungkwan says. “I love you.”

There’s a sunset in the background.

Mingyu takes a picture.

_seventeen_

It’s summer. Seungkwan and Wonwoo are sitting on the curb in front of a convenience store eating popsicles. Mingyu is away on vacation. Seungkwan can’t say all the details because he didn’t really remember until the day before he left.

“I think Mingyu is mad at me,” he says, “or something. I don’t know.”

Wonwoo, cool as ever, says, “why do you think that?”

“I mean. I don’t know. I forgot he was leaving, I swear he never told me? But even if he did he shouldn’t be mad that I didn’t remember. I can’t help it.”

“And you think he’s mad for that?” Wonwoo says, frankly.

Seungkwan frowns, “well, he hasn’t texted me all day…”

“And is that why you’re hanging out with me?” Wonwoo asks.

“No!” Seungkwan replies quickly, “no. I just wanted to see you. We’re friends.”

He’s being honest. He hadn’t even thought of Wonwoo as a kind of second choice to Mingyu. They were completely different people. Besides, Seungkwan loved Mingyu. Nobody could replace him anyways.

Wonwoo pauses, staring up and at the sky.

“I’m just messing with you Seungkwan,” he says with a nudge, “don’t worry too much.”

(You said you always wanted this moment to last forever. I’ve been sitting here indefinitely, always a second away from leaving.)

_seventeen_

Mingyu’s wifi isn’t the best in the world, and he barely has time to call. Such is the burden of people like him, busybodies. Seungkwan used to complain about not seeing Mingyu between weekends like a baby first learning how to talk, he’d say he missed him as if every wave was actually a tsunami. Now there’s no words left.

It’s okay, though, because Seungkwan and Wonwoo hang out pretty much every day. They watch movies together and go swimming in a nearby lake together, laughing until their stomachs hurt at the end of the day, and there are no pictures. No evidence. Wonwoo says his camera is broken and Seungkwan believes him.

_seventeen_

“Seungkwanie,” Mingyu coos over the phone, “I’m coming back home soon.”

“I’m so excited,” Seungkwan smiles back. He’s been walking laps around his room, nervous energy practically radiating off him. “Should we throw a party? Wonwoo can come too.”

“Wonwoo,” Mingyu whispers like an afterthought. He says it in such a way that it makes Seungkwan’s stomach churn. “How is he by the way? I haven’t really heard from him.”

“You’re quite impossible to get a hold of,” Seungkwan replies, voice inching higher. He has to be honest. “He’s good! We’ve been hanging out like almost every day.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Is that… uh, is that okay?”

Mingyu gasps, “of course it is! In fact, I’m glad you guys are hanging out. Wonwoo needs to get out of the house more anyways.”

“Oh,” Seungkwan says, “so you’re not mad or anything?”

“Why would I be?”

 _You’re not jealous?_ He wants to ask, but clamps it down.

“No reason,” he says with a smile, “anger is heavy on the heart anyways.”

(Loneliness leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to... well, more loneliness I guess.)

_seventeen_

“This is your car?”

“Yeah.”

“It’s uh. Cute?”

Wonwoo laughs, “you don’t have to lie to me Seungkwan, I know it looks like trash.”

Seungkwan has no choice but to agree and climb into the passenger seat. “Mingyu is going to kill us for picking him up in this dump.”

“Don’t get too comfortable now, Seungkwan,” Wonwoo warns, “she’s a beast on the road.”

“You’ll be covering my medical bills if I get a heart attack.”

The drive is long, mostly on Seungkwan’s part for insisting that Wonwoo drive slow. He fills up the space with talk so he doesn’t have to think so much about how much has changed over Mingyu’s vacation.

It’s completely absurd, how he feels. And wrong. He’s just been missing Mingyu lately, that’s all. He never even once thought about Wonwoo as more than a friend in the past week, Seungkwan’s just craving some kind of personal affection. A part of him is relieved that Mingyu will be back soon. Then everything can go back to normal. Another part of him dreads it, fearing that this sick guttural feeling in his heart telling him he’s got it all wrong won’t be magically cured by proximity alone.

However it turns out, the only thing he can do is fill up the present with talk.

“What do you wanna be when you’re older?” Seungkwan asks, fiddling with the knobs on the car radio.

“Hard-hitting questions today,” Wonwoo replies lightheartedly.

“I just feel like I don’t know you very well,” Seungkwan says. He adds it to his list: “Reasons Why I’m Not in Love With My Boyfriend’s Best Friend.” It’s quite short. “Like I know your favourite colour, but there’s gotta be more to you right? Ambitions? Dreams?”

“Well,” Wonwoo starts, “I’ve always loved photography. That’s something me and Mingyu always bonded over. But I’m into video editing more… so a cinematographer maybe.”

“Really?” Seungkwan replies.

“Yeah, I mean, I don’t want to be a huge box office hotshot or anything.”

“That’s pretty cool, though. Either way.”

“What about you?”

Seungkwan purses his lips, thinking. “A singer. I wanna be a singer like my mom was. I’ve been told I have a fantastic voice.”

He’s playing up his talent now to hide some kind of embarrassment. What if Wonwoo thinks that his dream is super lame? Is he going to laugh?

“What does she do now?” he asks instead, eyes still on the road.

It’s casual. Seungkwan replies, “nothing.”

(It's my dad's birthday and I am his wingman. I miss mom.)

_seventeen_

Things are back to normal by Wonwoo’s birthday. Seungkwan and him still hang out, but not as much. They’re all together now, though, this time over at Seungkwan’s house. He’d planned a huge surprise birthday party, even prepared the best gift, and everything was going to be perfect.

The only issue is that it’s the first time Mingyu’s been over while his family is there. He’s always insisted on meeting at the other’s place. This is when Seungkwan realizes he’s made a big mistake.

“Is your mom home?” Mingyu asks innocently. He’s sipping from a slurpee from 7Eleven, cross-legged on the floor. Wonwoo shoots Seungkwan a weird look.

“Uh, no,” Seungkwan replies.

He must appear visibly uncomfortable because Mingyu presses, “did I say something wrong?”

Wonwoo, for some reason, gets defensive on Seungkwan’s behalf. “You don’t know?”

“Don’t know what?”

“Nothing,” Seungkwan interjects. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Well, it must be if you guys are reacting like this.”

“Can we not be doing this right now?”

Wonwoo turns to Seungkwan, “you never told him?”

“It’s never come up.”

“What hasn’t come up?”

“Nothing!” Seungkwan insists, standing up. “It’s not a big deal, okay? Can we please move the fuck on?”

“What—”

Seungkwan gives Mingyu with a deathly glare. “I don’t want to say it.”

Mingyu holds his ground. Then, “okay. But we'll talk about it eventually.”

In a softer, smaller voice, intended for only Seungkwan to hear, he says “love you.”

“I know,” Seungkwan replies, “I know.”

_eighteen_

From Mangyu <3

I don’t want you to think I’m jealous or anything. I just want to know if there’s something going on. If there isn’t it’s totally cool, I’m not mad. But I just need to know. I love you so much.

_nineteen_

From Mangyu (Best Roommate/Boyfriend Ever)

Can you unpack the kitchen stuff when you get home? I think a few things came in today. Love you. Be home in 10

_twenty_

From Mingyu

Did you do the dishes yet? Don’t forget again. Also, rent’s due friday. How was the job interview today?

_twenty-one_

From Kim Mingyu

I need you to pick up your stuff by the end of the week. I have a new roommate who wants to check the place out.

_twenty-one_

From Wonwoo

Do you want to get dinner sometime? My friend works at this new place that just opened up.

Seungkwan looks at his phone screen. Wonwoo. He hasn’t really heard from him in a while.

 _Sure_ , he types in, and hits send.

(I thought I knew what love was. I love you but I don't love you enough to give up falling in love. Does that make me crazy?)


	2. build a temple

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wonwoo wants everything that Mingyu has

_five_

For as long as Wonwoo could remember, he and Mingyu have been friends. He’s a fun person to be around.

They play around at the creek a few blocks down from their houses, go swimming, have sleepovers. Wonwoo pushes Mingyu into the dirt and he never gets mad at him. Mingyu probably couldn’t get mad at anybody, it just isn’t something he does.

Wonwoo, on the other hand, gets mad at everything. He doesn’t like it when Mingyu makes stupid pouty faces at him or when he eats the last pizza slice before asking him. Granted, he doesn’t usually want to eat it anyways, but it would be nice if he asked. He yells at Mingyu, he breaks his favourite toys, he cries, too. His face scrunches up in an unattractive way and he sobs through hot, frustrated tears.

Somehow, Mingyu always finds it funny. He laughs at Wonwoo long enough for him to stop out of embarrassment. Sometimes, he laughs with him. Mingyu has a way of making everything seem like it doesn’t matter, even if it does. Midas touch.

When they play at the ravine, it’s like they’re in a different world. They build temples from sticks and fight whatever gods there are out there. They find little stones down by the water and call it gold. Mingyu can always come up with these amazing stories, like he’s a movie director; they’re samurais going to protect an alien princess from lizard people, they’re pirates trying to escape from the castle guards after they’ve stolen the king’s favourite dog, they’re just two friends pretending the world was an easily crossable bridge and all they needed was a pair of good shoes.

Wonwoo thinks the world of Mingyu, and he wants everything he has. From the chip on Mingyu’s loose tooth when they’d both fallen down a hill into the river, to the little birthmark on his lower back, everything feels like a race that Wonwoo is losing.

Not that he understands that feeling now, really; in fact, he just wants to go out and play.

_seven_

Mingyu gets a girlfriend on the second day of grade two. She’s a nice enough girl. Blonde, polite, hangs onto his wrist like one of those Halloween candy bracelets.

Wonwoo doesn’t know a lot about dating so he’s sure Mingyu doesn’t either, but somehow, he’s a natural. Wonwoo sees the new couple from across the yard sometimes, holding hands and doing other things that little kids who think they like each other do.

She giggles when he pecks her on the cheek, face blazing.

Wonwoo thinks Mingyu looks like a tomato when he’s embarrassed.

He wants to tell him this while they walk home. It’s spring; the world is green and yellow and the streets always smell like dandelions. Gnats buzz around Wonwoo’s head and drone like Mingyu’s voice when he talks about how much fun he had with Cassandra, or Cassidy, or whatever her name is. Wonwoo figures that he won’t be able to get a word in, so he stays quiet.

He walks silently until when they get home, two twin houses on Front Street standing like little fists pointed at the sky. Mingyu stops talking about her. It’s as if the strength of their relationship depends on proximity to each other.

Despite it being a school day, they go to the creek. Usually, Friday’s are the adventure days. They’d go play until the sky is white speckled navy and do rock paper scissors on who’s going to sleep over at who’s. Wonwoo feels a little angry today, though, so he insists that they go. When they get there he pushes Mingyu into the earth a little harder than usual, and it feels good. He doesn’t know why it kind of feels good, he doesn’t even know why he feels upset in the first place.

When Mingyu’s girlfriend breaks up with him for sharing his snacks with another girl, Wonwoo doesn’t know how to console him. He can’t understand those emotions.

He’s just glad they’ll get to spend more time together.

_ten_

Mingyu grows up to be pretty much excellent at everything. He can run across their schoolyard in twenty seconds. Wonwoo hears their teachers commenting on how amazing his cursive is. Mingyu is also very good at giving gifts, Wonwoo would know.

For his birthday, he gets him a camera. It’s a shitty, disposable one you have to crank before you take every photo, but Wonwoo loves it. He starts bringing the camera on their adventures, though it can be disappointing. The darn thing doesn’t capture the ancient city ruins in their minds, just mounds of dirt and sand. The games they played became less about what is in their heads, but what they could make of reality.

Mingyu keeps going on about how he can edit photos to look like they have castles, or monsters, or dragons in them. He’s not good at it, really, but Wonwoo pretends to find it cool for the sake of being nice.

He doesn’t bring his camera to the ravine from then on. He just wants to live in the moment for now, and whatever he can’t remember from their great escapades probably doesn’t matter. Mingyu brings his, though. The pictures he takes remind Wonwoo that he’s just a scrawny kid, not an adventurer whose weathered the pains of the world.

Reality sucks, Wonwoo figures.

(The things that happened to you didn't make you. You always were.)

_fourteen_

On graduation day, Wonwoo doesn’t cry. In fact, he’s glad they’ll be going to high school, desperate to grow out of this image that other people have of him. He wants a fresh start.

Mingyu bawls his eyes out. He falls in love a little bit with everything in life, and this must feel like curative surgery.

After the ceremony, they find themselves going to the ravine. Wonwoo would say “found” instead of “going purposefully” because they’re too old and have been too old to be playing make-believe in the mud. Wonwoo realized that when Mingyu started hanging out with their classmates at malls instead of shipwrecks, arcades instead of deserted pyramids. He’d been left behind, is one way to interpret it. Another is that Wonwoo refused to outgrow this part of his life, still chasing after something that Mingyu had apparently found at only fourteen.

It’s properly summer now, as they start down the path to the water. The earth with its mosquitoes and humidity make Wonwoo’s shirt stick uncomfortably to the pimples sprouting up on his skin. It’s just another way to tell the time; even his body wants to grow up and he feels like he just can’t.

Wonwoo pauses thoughtfully once they reach the ravine, and after a second he jumps into it. The water only reaches up to his knees, which is weird, because Wonwoo could have sworn that he and Mingyu used to swim around in it.

“What are you doing?” Mingyu asks, his face still a little blotchy from crying.

Wonwoo shrugs, “cooling off.”

He splashes some water at Mingyu, who dares to look upset for a second before sending one back at him.

Wonwoo pushes Mingyu into the water fully, soaking them both to the bone. They tousle around, not technically practiced wrestling and more like formless grappling, scraping their arms here and there on the uneven ground. It feels extremely cathartic, for some reason, pinning Mingyu’s firm body to the ravine floor, watching air bubbles rise to the surface and feeling his muscle strain under his skin.

Something guttural bubbles in Wonwoo’s stomach when he let’s Mingyu come up. His head breaks the surface in a kaleidoscope of tiny droplets, casting him in a mist. Wonwoo dares to say that Mingyu looks attractive. Water dances down his skin in fractals and his laboured breathing sounds like those videos Wonwoo’s parents tell him not to watch.

Maybe it’s fear. Maybe Wonwoo is afraid of what he wants to do now, with Mingyu, in the middle of a forest— their own world.

They drag themselves to the edge of the water, laying down in the dirt. The world is incredibly quiet.

“What do you want to do?” Mingyu asks, as if he’s reading Wonwoo’s mind.

He sputters, “what do you mean?”

“Like in the future. What do you want to do?”

Wonwoo breathes out.

“I don’t know. Something creative, I think. No real direction. You?”

“Photography, probably.”

“Oh, wow. Really?”

“Yeah, like those editorial photographers for Vogue, you know. Or something like that.”

Wonwoo mulls over the idea in his head. Mingyu could do anything if he wanted to. The world practically bended to his will, Wonwoo included.

“Trade in taking pictures of me and this stupid town for pretty supermodels, I get it. It’s a good choice, really.”

Mingyu is quiet for a moment, then says, “you’re pretty, hyung.”

Wonwoo is sure Mingyu is staring at him; he can feel his eyes boring into his right cheek. He just stares up at the trees, looking for something beyond the skyline.

(Love is a snowman we built together. Yes, spring is coming, but not yet.)

_fifteen_

There’s only two elective choices in grade nine, music or art. Everything else is compulsory: geography, math, English, etc. Mingyu ends up picking music, for sake of “exploring new things” but Wonwoo just gets a feeling that Mingyu’s trying to shove him out of the metaphorical nest. “Meet new people” kind of thing.

His issue isn’t with the sudden shift to high school, the need to dress differently, speak differently, word harder, not really. Wonwoo just has a habit of zoning out at any given moment. All the adventures he would usually have with Mingyu are in his head now, where he pretends he’s a hero from all the stories they read in English class and where he gets everything he wants. It makes him hard for people to talk to. It makes it hard for him to focus on anything, really.

Wonwoo uses art class mostly as an excuse to daydream. The work is easy since he just has to… make art, and he has a camera for that. If he snaps a few pictures and attach some fake, profound meaning to it then the rest of the period is for his imagination. He sits by the window and just let’s his mind escape him.

_fifteen_

Boo Seungkwan is persistent.

He’s just some kid from Wonwoo’s arts class, admittedly, and he won’t leave Wonwoo alone. He keeps asking him about their assignments or about the weather to which Wonwoo would say: “draw something that makes you happy, the weather outside is nice, please leave me alone now.” He took a picture of a juicebox. It’s raining outside. Seungkwan doesn’t leave him alone.

Somehow, it’s kind of nice. Mingyu always does whatever Wonwoo wants, if he asks. It’s nice to have someone who fights everything he says.

_fifteen_

“What happened to your face?”

Mingyu frowns, “what do you mean?”

Wonwoo frowns back at him. They’re walking home, and Mingyu has an ice pack pressed against his eye. Wonwoo gestures to the spotting of purple that peaks from under his hand.

“Oh,” Mingyu starts, “some guy ran into me today.”

“Was the guy a wall?”

They both softly laugh.

“No. He was actually… really small? Sent my ass hurling though. Banged my cheek on the ground.”

“Is he okay?”

Mingyu sighs in a way that makes Wonwoo feel a little cold. He could call it dreamy.

“Yeah. I think I like him, a little bit.”

Wonwoo wants to say something like “really? Just like that?” but he holds his tongue. Instead, he asks “what’s his name?”

A pause. Autumn leaves crinkle as a dog passes by. The wind picks up Wonwoo’s hair gently.

“Seungkwan.”

(How's life? Well, I'm getting back what I put into it. So, not great.)

_sixteen_

A lot of people try to use Wonwoo to get to Mingyu. He’s learned not to misconstrue people’s interest in him as infatuation with his best friend.

He doesn’t really mind it.

Seungkwan is dating Mingyu, which means that people aren’t trying to get close to him anymore, which means Wonwoo has no choice but to spend time with the couple. It faintly reminds him of their youth, watching Mingyu across the schoolyard, just a little out of reach.

He finds himself wholly interested in Seungkwan’s character; the way he parts his hair, the way he crinkles his nose when he laughs, the way he looks at Wonwoo like he’s trying to figure him out.

Seungkwan’s fingernails are painted recycle bin blue. He looks at everything like he could change it, make it new again.

_sixteen_

Wonwoo hears shuffling at an ungodly hour of night. He wiggles out from under the shoddy blanket set-up Mingyu had put for him on the floor. He isn’t able to sleep on the couch because they’d spilled baja blast on it at the start of their sleepover festivities.

He walks into the kitchen and finds Seungkwan standing in the refrigerator light, unamused.

“You okay?” Wonwoo dares to ask. They don’t really talk despite almost always being in each other’s presence. Mingyu is their common denominator, passing messages along the fault lines of their relationship.

Seungkwan startles, turning quickly with wide, doe eyes.

“Uh, yeah. I’m good.”

Wonwoo figures that’s all he’ll ever get out of Seungkwan. He wonders why he wants more. The words are right in front of him, a flickering candlelight.

“You can talk to me, you know. I know we’re not close but I wouldn’t mind.”

He doesn’t say this. The flame goes out.

“Okay,” is what Wonwoo says. “Goodnight, Seungkwan.”

“Night, Wonwoo.”

(Just for once, I'd like to fall in love with someone who will ruins things before I do.)

_seventeen_

“Ah, hyung, could you let Seungkwan know I’m going on vacation next week? I forgot to let him know.”

Wonwoo nods, he nods and says “yeah, sure.”

_seventeen_

From Neighbor Friend (Kim Mingyu)

We need to catch up sometime, the scenery out here is really beautiful. You’d love it.

_seventeen_

Seungkwan shows up on Wonwoo’s doorstep a week after Mingyu’s vacation started. Wonwoo wonders if he's got it all wrong, like he meant to pay a visit to Mingyu’s dog and missed the house by one number.

“Hey Seungkwan,” he greets, “uh, what’s up?”

Seungkwan bristles. The sun is bright and hot.

“I was just in the area, do you want to hang out?”

Wonwoo doesn’t just “hang out” with Seungkwan. He doesn’t do anything, really, with Seungkwan.

Despite that, he says “sure.”

_seventeen_

Wonwoo and Seungkwan go to the ravine. At first, Wonwoo felt terrible about it. Like inviting a stranger into his home and praying they don’t question everything about it. Why is the wall this colour? How can you live like this?

It’s lost some of the magic, but Wonwoo can still make out the places where they’ve broken ankles and built temples from fallen leaves. He and Seungkwan follow the water to the larger basin of water at the far end of the park. It’s kind of a niche spot, and there isn’t anyone to disturb them. It feels like one of his and Mingyu’s adventures again, though different.

Seungkwan isn’t like Mingyu in any way. He’s argumentative and teasing in a bitter, sarcastic kind of way. When Wonwoo wants to reply with a cut, snarky anecdote, Seungkwan takes it, sharpens the knife and points it back at him. He always asks for more.

He doesn’t know what to make of it.

Wonwoo peels himself out of his sweaty t-shirt, tossing it into the dirt before jumping into the water. He doesn’t look back, only knows Seungkwan follows after him when a splash erupts next to his ear, drowning out his mind.

(In the cave behind my house, I found a softer world. They understand what I have to do for love. They don't believe in restraining orders.)

_seventeen_

Seungkwan thinks Wonwoo is interesting. He says it over a cup of coffee. It’s supposed to be passing, a one-off comment, but Wonwoo takes it to heart.

He smiles, “thanks, Kwanie.”

(There's a garden in my backyard that I use to grow minutes. I cut them from the stem and try to spend more time with you.)

_eighteen_

He won’t talk about what happened that summer. Wonwoo stores the memories in his mind but he won’t talk about it. It feels like a story that belongs to someone else.

For now, he daydreams. Between classes, he imagines Seungkwan’s face as they lay underneath the stars. He thinks back to the birthday gift Seungkwan got him. It’s a mix-tape that he’s been too afraid to play so it just sits in his pick-up collecting dust. He imagines a conversation.

“Have you ever thought about how difficult it is to share your past with someone else? Not like it’s traumatic or anything, but just describing everything. Words don't really do it justice.”

“Sure,” Seungkwan says in this dream. The sky is burning red, like the world is ending.

“We turn to photos, thinking that they can capture a moment. They don't, not really. In the end the photos are no more than little fragments of memory.” His fingers itch for a camera now. “Memory is an art form, you know? Love is crafted that way, a mosaic of little pieces of time you built with your loved ones.”

Seungkwan doesn’t nod, doesn’t stir. He just asks “what colour are you making the sky?”

_eighteen_

“Can you just be honest with me? Do you like him? Does… does he like you?”

_nineteen_

“We’re having a house-warming party, if you want to come. I’ll text the details. I miss you.”

_twenty_

“Did you even think about me?”

_twenty-one_

The years pass by in a blur. Wonwoo still daydreams. His mind never leads him back to ancient ruins or castles from a forgotten land, but a ravine. A lake. Summer.

He looks over the skyline, wondering what he lost that year.

(Truth and beauty are beautiful words, but shrapnel is shrapnel. At the end of the day, I am alone with the things I have done.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> didn't intend to add another chapter but i wanted to add some details xx


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